How to Orchestrate a Fraudulent Maternity Leave in Four Easy Steps

I'm back! And boy, do I have a plan.

Don't expect this momentum to keep up. One post per six months, tops.

Anyway, the plan. I ought to fake a pregnancy to get a maternity leave from school, and then return afterward saying I gave it up for adoption, and I really don't want to talk about it because it's too painful.

Here's how I would do it:

Step 1: Go to Motherhood in the mall, and try on some clothes with their littlest prosthetic belly. (If you don't know, they provide those for women to try on clothes for the coming weeks/months of growth.) Walk out of store with belly on. Start wearing said belly on a daily basis. Drink plenty of wine at night so you look like hell in the morning and people give you added sympathy for your "morning sickness".

Step 2: After a feasible amount of time, return to Motherhood for an upgrade. Try on the next-size-up belly. Walk out of store with belly on. Start wearing said belly on a daily basis.

Step 3: After a feasible amount of time, return to Motherhood for an upgrade. Try on the next-size-up belly. Walk out of store with belly on. Start wearing said belly on a daily basis.

Step 4: When you've had enough, call in to work one day and say you're in labor. Pop out your imaginary kid and enjoy your eight weeks off. Be sure that you consume plenty of Mighty Fine, Rudy's, Dos Salsas, Golden Chick, Taco Cabana, Starbucks, and McDonald's breakfast sandwiches during this time so you can grow a nice big fat ass before you are seen again. Remember, keeping it believable is KEY.