Who Loves You, Baby?: An Objective Comparison of Candidate Endorsements

In the days leading up to Super Tuesday, when the importance of Texas in any nationwide election will be further diminished, let's take a look at those who have pledged their support to a remaining Democratic presidential candidate. I've purposely left out the endorsements of newspapers, groups, and most lesser-known political figures, instead focusing on bona-fide superstars.

1. Barack Obama



Here we have, clockwise from top left, wrestler Hulk Hogan, writer Toni Morrison, Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator (and '04 nominee) John Kerry, talk-show host Oprah Winfrey, former First Daughter Caroline Kennedy, and actor Wil Wheaton.

Exhibit A: Who doesn't like Hulk Hogan? He's the all-American dad next door, and he found time between trying to keep his son out of jail, trying to keep his daughter's clothes on, and trying not to lose the American flag right off his back in his divorce settlement to endorse Barack Obama.

Exhibit B: The Bluest Eye was boring, but I'm still up for reading Beloved. Happy to have you, Toni Morrison.

Exhibit C: Ted Kennedy. He's not the single most upstanding guy to ever walk the earth, but he's a strong opponent of the war in Iraq, and who can't get on board with that? Oh. Wait.

Exhibit D: John Kerry is about as exciting as watching wet paint dry...unless you're watching him put away a cheesesteak. In this picture you can watch him stuff an enormous, tomato-topped cheesesteak into his extraordinarily long face. Some suspect that he can unhinge his jaw, snake-like.

Exhibit E: If there's anyone who can corral the throngs of clueless white women who have had previously little interest in politics, and have instead voted how they're told by their husbands/pastors/fathers, it's Oprah. Now they can vote how Oprah tells them. Let them.

Exhibit F: My mother and aunt once had Caroline Kennedy dolls, purchased back during her time as First Daughter. I found them in the closet at my grandparents' house sometime in the early 1980s and gave one Caroline a Susan Powter haircut. Caroline could now fetch a small fortune on eBay, undoubtedly, or at least lie in her original splendor in Granny's closet.

Exhibit G: Gordie Lachance is another Obama supporter. This is one of those endorsements that means seemingly very little, but Wil Wheaton's role on Star Trek might reel in a few votes, so why not?


2. Hillary Clinton



Seen here, clockwise from top left, we have author Maya Angelou, actress America Ferrara, actress Amber Tamblyn, former VP Walter Mondale, former Attorney General Janet Reno, and singer/actress Barbra Streisand.

Exhibit A: Maya Angelou and Toni Morrison cancel each other out. If Hillary is elected, she'll be obligated to have Angelou read one of her poems at the inauguration. I'm not into poetry.

Exhibit B: America Ferrara supports Hillary, just in case you are basing your decision on who Ugly Betty likes.

Exhibit C: Amber Tamblyn does, too, just in case you are basing your decision on who Joan of Arcadia/that girl from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants likes. I did like Joan of Arcadia a lot.

Exhibit D: Jimmy Carter's former Vice President, Walter Mondale lost the Presidential election in 1984. He had a female running mate, so this isn't too surprising. I have a hard time believing someone who was once in cahoots with dear Jimmy Carter wouldn't be good to listen to, but I guess he isn't.

Exhibit E: Janet Reno throws one hell of a dance party. Maybe I should reconsider Hillary after all.

Exhibit F: What would Yentl do? Barbra Streisand says she'd vote for Hillary, but Yentl was a cross-dresser, which means she'd likely be a Republican member of Congress.