Warning: May Cause Idiocy

I don't have cable television at home, and every time I'm exposed to it, I'm reminded why I don't need it. While it would be nice to watch The Daily Show once in a while, the mere existence of the certain shows makes me feel almost proud to still be using the good old rabbit ears. (It's also because I'm a liberal, NPR-listening, Prius-driving elitist, but that's beside the point.) I'll happily stick to Lost and HBO shows on DVD for now.

1. Bromance(MTV)
This reality show, starring Brody Jenner of The Hills, is an elimination-style search for Jenner's next best friend. You see, he had a nasty fight with his former best friend, Spencer Pratt (also from The Hills), and now he's looking for "that one true friend".

If you're channel-surfing, you're likely to think that you're watching The Bachelorette, and begin to wonder when the girl will show up. Ultimately, several will--in skanky droves--in an attempt for Jenner and his potential love-mates to make this show appear a little less Boy Meets Boy, a little more rock and roll. They fail.

I'd like to tell you more, but I was only able to stomach about three minutes of this show.




2. True Beauty (ABC)

According to ABC's website, this series (brought to you by--surprise!--Ashton Kutcher) "will determine the 'True Beauty' of six stunning females and four handsome males who will live together in a spectacular Los Angeles mansion as they undergo a series of challenges to determine who is truly the most beautiful." Because you can never have too many adjectives.

The commercials for this show have featured contestants that run the gamut from inane to vapid to daft. Take, for example, "model/artist" Chelsea Bush, who "competed in many beauty pageants and always found herself getting into arguments with the other girls because they were jealous of her" and is "constantly stared at every time she goes out, and hears girls talk about her all the time". They might be talking about the vast color discrepancy between her eyebrows and hair color, but that's neither here nor there.


3. America's Next Top Model (Fox)

America's Next Top Model has been on for eleven cycles now, and it's funny: I couldn't name one of the contestants, nor would I recognize one on the street. Not unlike True Beauty, it features empty vessels who are vying to become a "top" model, whatever that means.

They catfight, moan, whine, and catfight some more while pretending that modeling is a skill. As in, something that takes talent. As in, there's an actual competition being held. There's a reason that prospective models send out photos of themselves in order to get work. It's a superficial business in which the prettiest person, or the one most suited to the product being advertised, wins. Simple as that.

Based on this, the fact that they have turned it into an elimination-style television series should tell you it's going to be filled with a whole lot of nothing.