How to Orchestrate a Fraudulent Maternity Leave in Four Easy Steps

I'm back! And boy, do I have a plan.

Don't expect this momentum to keep up. One post per six months, tops.

Anyway, the plan. I ought to fake a pregnancy to get a maternity leave from school, and then return afterward saying I gave it up for adoption, and I really don't want to talk about it because it's too painful.

Here's how I would do it:

Step 1: Go to Motherhood in the mall, and try on some clothes with their littlest prosthetic belly. (If you don't know, they provide those for women to try on clothes for the coming weeks/months of growth.) Walk out of store with belly on. Start wearing said belly on a daily basis. Drink plenty of wine at night so you look like hell in the morning and people give you added sympathy for your "morning sickness".

Step 2: After a feasible amount of time, return to Motherhood for an upgrade. Try on the next-size-up belly. Walk out of store with belly on. Start wearing said belly on a daily basis.

Step 3: After a feasible amount of time, return to Motherhood for an upgrade. Try on the next-size-up belly. Walk out of store with belly on. Start wearing said belly on a daily basis.

Step 4: When you've had enough, call in to work one day and say you're in labor. Pop out your imaginary kid and enjoy your eight weeks off. Be sure that you consume plenty of Mighty Fine, Rudy's, Dos Salsas, Golden Chick, Taco Cabana, Starbucks, and McDonald's breakfast sandwiches during this time so you can grow a nice big fat ass before you are seen again. Remember, keeping it believable is KEY.

Movie Review: Sex and The City 2

Suuuuuuuuucktastic! To be fair, I took a little nap in the middle. Not for long: I saw about 130 of the 146 minutes of this supa-dupa-long movie. But that's enough to form an opinion.

One big plus, which actually had nothing to do with the film itself, was that Charity, Lynley, and I got free admission, since the lovely new San Antonio Alamo Draft House is one of Charity's accounts as a wine rep.

We did a little mocking during the movie, mainly because it couldn't be avoided. It did taste a bit sour coming out of our mouths, because we all loved the series, found the first movie satisfying, and really hoped that this one wouldn't be as crappy as everyone was saying. Nevertheless... it was.

I read this review beforehand, and kept laughing the whole time remembering what it said. I thought she was kidding about the cupcakes, magic carpets, yams and vagina vitamins, but sadly, she wasn't.

Today, 7.5 months pregnant Charity and I discussed how effing weak Charlotte and Miranda are as the mothers in this movie, as I tried to relay the aforementioned review to her. They're griping about how they have to take care of their kids, and I "couldn't help but wonder": How hard is it to raise a kid or two? (Very.) But how hard is it to raise a kid or two when you have full-time help like Magda or Erin-Go-Braless? Well, considering that you're allowed to hand off your child any time you want, it can't be hard at all. You're the babysitter.

Just so I'm not being a total pisser, allow me to point out the movie's high points. There were some...it's hard not to have ANYTHING worth watching in 146 minutes, after all.

a) Stanford and Anthony's out-freakin'-standing wedding at the beginning. Forget the fact that it had no place in the plot... well, nevermind, because there wasn't a plot. And please, baby, please: forget the fact that this marriage was entirely implausible given the previously laid storyline of them hating each other, and was clearly born of some writer's personal vendetta to pair them off. It had no place in the movie, because it was completely auxilary. Regardless, it was awesome. Life Lesson #4,392: Swans, glittery top hats, a gay men's chorus, and Mr. Big's rampant homophobia makes for one fine evening.

b) LIZA FREAKIN' MINELLI did some amazing dancing to "Single Ladies"--the exact Beyonce routine, also at the wedding. It's like watching something from forty years ago, because I can't believe she can still move like that after seeing her as a very convincing, vertigo-stricken Lucille II in Arrested Development. Seeing her dance was well worth the $10 I did (not) pay to see the movie.

Sorry, that's about it. I'm sure there were other high points, but I also had a massive migraine last night, and was pretty loopy on some Imitrex at the time of viewing.

Not convinced? Here are more lackluster reviews.

Wrap It Up, Please

I once loved The Office. Now I'd say I kind of like The Office. It's gone the way of country music: once (somewhat) unique, and of good quality, but now overwrought and bastardized.

There have been some great episodes along the way, but they've become few and far between in the past season or two. For example, I enjoyed watching Erin's Secretaries' Day meltdown and Pam breastfeeding the wrong baby, but that's about it lately.

Gone are the days of the Gaydar, Cousin Mose and the beet farm bed & breakfast, the Dundies Awards, the marriage of Dwight's exercise ball and Jim's scissors, and Pretzel Day. Currently, we're treated to nothing more than Ryan and Kelly redux, Jim and Pam ad nauseum, and Michael's contrived "funny" behavior.

You make me sad, NBC Office. It's true that the BBC left you wanting more, but at least you weren't hoping they would stop before embarrassing themselves further.

Lewis Black, Let's Get Married

Panty Man

"When I was a very little boy, I don't exactly remember it, I guess we were going through a department store and I stole a pair of silk female garments and put them beneath my butt because I apparently liked how it felt."
-Sam "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, when asked if he'd ever stolen anything

Read his AOL interview in its dazzling entirety here. In a nutshell, he discusses Aaron Tippin, Old Yeller, and how much he bench pressed back in his glory days.

Should Have Been My Idea

I got a Thrillist email today (sign up!) about one of my new favorite things: cookie cakes iced with snarky phrases!

Say It With Cookie Cake is a new Austin business that will help you tell someone that they ruined your life, you're fed up with them spoiling Lost, your company is in the middle of a hostile takeover, or that they need to get tested for chlamydia.

Their only rule is that they won't print anything that constitutes hate speech (their We Will Not Bake Your Hate Crime clause)... but they will be more than happy to draw a penis on there for you. How did I not think of this?

Behold:

Problem Solved!

Former Miss New Jersey Sue Lowden, who's challenging Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid for his seat this fall, insists it's feasible for those without proper healthcare to arrange a barter with their doctor--perhaps a chicken in exchange for their services.

You Be The Judge

These are cookies that Garret, Ben, and Elena made on Garret's one year anniversary of arriving in Berlin. Garret's pretty proud of them, and I happen to love mocking Garret. So take a look at that blond girl cookie in the center of the pan.

Garret says that's a Garret cookie.

Amber says that's an Amber cookie.

What do you think?

2010 Statesman Capitol 10K

Sunday was my first-ever organized, timed, real-deal run. I've been running quite a bit this year, and my friend Jessica and I decided to sign up for the Capitol 10K, which starts at the Congress Street bridge here in Austin. We were later joined by new person-of-interest Travis and a smattering of other people I know, but the three of us never saw them since there were over 20,000 people in attendance this year.

The course was great. There were only two real hills to speak of and then flattened out, wrapping up alongside Town Lake at Auditorium Shores. The weather was misty and cool enough that we were cold while waiting to begin, which was perfect. Jessica and I stuck together and surpassed our goal, albeit barely, coming in at 1:01:38.


Here's this year's winner in the women's division. You may notice that it is not me. I came in 4,053rd place, or 1,457 among the womenfolk. She beat me by about 25 minutes.

Knight Sky

Here are the problems I see with this movie:
1. Tom Cruise
2. Cameron Diaz