Amber Does Austin

How to Orchestrate a Fraudulent Maternity Leave in Four Easy Steps

2011-01-02T23:19:00.005-06:00

I'm back! And boy, do I have a plan.

Don't expect this momentum to keep up. One post per six months, tops.

Anyway, the plan. I ought to fake a pregnancy to get a maternity leave from school, and then return afterward saying I gave it up for adoption, and I really don't want to talk about it because it's too painful.

Here's how I would do it:

Step 1: Go to Motherhood in the mall, and try on some clothes with their littlest prosthetic belly. (If you don't know, they provide those for women to try on clothes for the coming weeks/months of growth.) Walk out of store with belly on. Start wearing said belly on a daily basis. Drink plenty of wine at night so you look like hell in the morning and people give you added sympathy for your "morning sickness".

Step 2: After a feasible amount of time, return to Motherhood for an upgrade. Try on the next-size-up belly. Walk out of store with belly on. Start wearing said belly on a daily basis.

Step 3: After a feasible amount of time, return to Motherhood for an upgrade. Try on the next-size-up belly. Walk out of store with belly on. Start wearing said belly on a daily basis.

Step 4: When you've had enough, call in to work one day and say you're in labor. Pop out your imaginary kid and enjoy your eight weeks off. Be sure that you consume plenty of Mighty Fine, Rudy's, Dos Salsas, Golden Chick, Taco Cabana, Starbucks, and McDonald's breakfast sandwiches during this time so you can grow a nice big fat ass before you are seen again. Remember, keeping it believable is KEY.

Movie Review: Sex and The City 2

2010-05-31T00:14:00.009-05:00

Suuuuuuuuucktastic! To be fair, I took a little nap in the middle. Not for long: I saw about 130 of the 146 minutes of this supa-dupa-long movie. But that's enough to form an opinion.

One big plus, which actually had nothing to do with the film itself, was that Charity, Lynley, and I got free admission, since the lovely new San Antonio Alamo Draft House is one of Charity's accounts as a wine rep.

We did a little mocking during the movie, mainly because it couldn't be avoided. It did taste a bit sour coming out of our mouths, because we all loved the series, found the first movie satisfying, and really hoped that this one wouldn't be as crappy as everyone was saying. Nevertheless... it was.

I read this review beforehand, and kept laughing the whole time remembering what it said. I thought she was kidding about the cupcakes, magic carpets, yams and vagina vitamins, but sadly, she wasn't.

Today, 7.5 months pregnant Charity and I discussed how effing weak Charlotte and Miranda are as the mothers in this movie, as I tried to relay the aforementioned review to her. They're griping about how they have to take care of their kids, and I "couldn't help but wonder": How hard is it to raise a kid or two? (Very.) But how hard is it to raise a kid or two when you have full-time help like Magda or Erin-Go-Braless? Well, considering that you're allowed to hand off your child any time you want, it can't be hard at all. You're the babysitter.

Just so I'm not being a total pisser, allow me to point out the movie's high points. There were some...it's hard not to have ANYTHING worth watching in 146 minutes, after all.

a) Stanford and Anthony's out-freakin'-standing wedding at the beginning. Forget the fact that it had no place in the plot... well, nevermind, because there wasn't a plot. And please, baby, please: forget the fact that this marriage was entirely implausible given the previously laid storyline of them hating each other, and was clearly born of some writer's personal vendetta to pair them off. It had no place in the movie, because it was completely auxilary. Regardless, it was awesome. Life Lesson #4,392: Swans, glittery top hats, a gay men's chorus, and Mr. Big's rampant homophobia makes for one fine evening.

b) LIZA FREAKIN' MINELLI did some amazing dancing to "Single Ladies"--the exact Beyonce routine, also at the wedding. It's like watching something from forty years ago, because I can't believe she can still move like that after seeing her as a very convincing, vertigo-stricken Lucille II in Arrested Development. Seeing her dance was well worth the $10 I did (not) pay to see the movie.

Sorry, that's about it. I'm sure there were other high points, but I also had a massive migraine last night, and was pretty loopy on some Imitrex at the time of viewing.

Not convinced? Here are more lackluster reviews.

Wrap It Up, Please

2010-05-25T22:42:00.006-05:00

I once loved The Office. Now I'd say I kind of like The Office. It's gone the way of country music: once (somewhat) unique, and of good quality, but now overwrought and bastardized.

There have been some great episodes along the way, but they've become few and far between in the past season or two. For example, I enjoyed watching Erin's Secretaries' Day meltdown and Pam breastfeeding the wrong baby, but that's about it lately.

Gone are the days of the Gaydar, Cousin Mose and the beet farm bed & breakfast, the Dundies Awards, the marriage of Dwight's exercise ball and Jim's scissors, and Pretzel Day. Currently, we're treated to nothing more than Ryan and Kelly redux, Jim and Pam ad nauseum, and Michael's contrived "funny" behavior.

You make me sad, NBC Office. It's true that the BBC left you wanting more, but at least you weren't hoping they would stop before embarrassing themselves further.

Lewis Black, Let's Get Married

2010-05-16T08:47:00.001-05:00

Panty Man

2010-05-10T22:12:00.006-05:00

"When I was a very little boy, I don't exactly remember it, I guess we were going through a department store and I stole a pair of silk female garments and put them beneath my butt because I apparently liked how it felt."
-Sam "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, when asked if he'd ever stolen anything

Read his AOL interview in its dazzling entirety here. In a nutshell, he discusses Aaron Tippin, Old Yeller, and how much he bench pressed back in his glory days.

Should Have Been My Idea

2010-04-27T19:08:00.004-05:00

I got a Thrillist email today (sign up!) about one of my new favorite things: cookie cakes iced with snarky phrases!

Say It With Cookie Cake is a new Austin business that will help you tell someone that they ruined your life, you're fed up with them spoiling Lost, your company is in the middle of a hostile takeover, or that they need to get tested for chlamydia.

Their only rule is that they won't print anything that constitutes hate speech (their We Will Not Bake Your Hate Crime clause)... but they will be more than happy to draw a penis on there for you. How did I not think of this?

Behold:

Problem Solved!

2010-04-21T21:37:00.002-05:00

Former Miss New Jersey Sue Lowden, who's challenging Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid for his seat this fall, insists it's feasible for those without proper healthcare to arrange a barter with their doctor--perhaps a chicken in exchange for their services.

You Be The Judge

2010-04-18T16:06:00.004-05:00

These are cookies that Garret, Ben, and Elena made on Garret's one year anniversary of arriving in Berlin. Garret's pretty proud of them, and I happen to love mocking Garret. So take a look at that blond girl cookie in the center of the pan.

Garret says that's a Garret cookie.

Amber says that's an Amber cookie.

What do you think?

2010 Statesman Capitol 10K

2010-04-12T17:52:00.004-05:00

Sunday was my first-ever organized, timed, real-deal run. I've been running quite a bit this year, and my friend Jessica and I decided to sign up for the Capitol 10K, which starts at the Congress Street bridge here in Austin. We were later joined by new person-of-interest Travis and a smattering of other people I know, but the three of us never saw them since there were over 20,000 people in attendance this year.

The course was great. There were only two real hills to speak of and then flattened out, wrapping up alongside Town Lake at Auditorium Shores. The weather was misty and cool enough that we were cold while waiting to begin, which was perfect. Jessica and I stuck together and surpassed our goal, albeit barely, coming in at 1:01:38.

Here's this year's winner in the women's division. You may notice that it is not me. I came in 4,053rd place, or 1,457 among the womenfolk. She beat me by about 25 minutes.

Knight Sky

2010-03-29T20:38:00.002-05:00

Here are the problems I see with this movie:
1. Tom Cruise
2. Cameron Diaz

People are Nuts

2010-03-24T21:01:00.002-05:00

That's right. Bitches. Be. Crazy.

They're playing Representative Bart "Baby-Killing-Motherf***er" Stupak's voicemails on MSNBC right now. He's one of about ten Democrats who have received threats since the passing of the healthcare reform bill. Some guy hopes that he bleeds out his ass, gets cancer, and dies.

Keep it classy.

What Alanis Said

2010-03-22T23:26:00.002-05:00

KGB doesn't make me want to ask questions. Just google it, you lazy ass.

Tip of the Day

2010-03-11T16:18:00.002-06:00

Your attention, please: hitting "reply all" to a company-wide email will send your stupid question not only to the sender of the original message, but to all of us. Yes, that's right...all 5,763 of us. Imagine that.

"Reply". Learn it, love it, live it.

Surprise of the Century

2010-03-10T11:01:00.002-06:00

Corey Haim's dead, of an apparent drug overdose. Shocking. Child stars usually thrive and become successful adults.

DWTS Cast!

2010-03-02T12:11:00.003-06:00

Whether or not I've watched this show in the past has been hit-or-miss, but I'm pretty excited about the ass-kicking cast they have for this year's Dancing with the Stars.

1. Chad Ochocinco - The first person I started following on Twitter (see below). I quit following him because his posts were inane and too frequent. I'll probably join back up during DWTS because I think he's pretty amusing. I wonder if he can dance?

2. Buzz Aldrin - HEY HEY! I'm really excited about this one, of course. Bonus votes if he punches anybody.

3. Neicy Nash - Raineesha Williams! She will bring the ghetto. Don't you worry.

4. Evan Lysacek - He will win. Appaarently that is the rule if you're an Olympian on this show. Especially one whose sport involves, well, dancing. Shawn Johnson, Apolo Ohno, Kristi Yamaguchi all won.

5-11. People I semi-care about/don't know who they are - Pamela Anderson, Aiden Turner, Erin Andrews, Shannen Doherty, Nicole Scherzinger, Kate Gosselin, Jake Pavelka.

Twitter Suggestions, Please!

2010-02-28T09:12:00.004-06:00

I've finally gotten over my aversion to Twitter, which was mostly born of my disdain for people who consider themselves so interesting that they must update all of society on every half hour of their mundane lives. Well, I got over it with Facebook, which I almost un-joined right after joining, and now I guess I'm over it with Twitter.

I'm not posting anything, just reading. I'm following four people on Twitter now--a respectable beginning--and I'm not sure I'll find anything funnier than @shitmydadsays!

So who else might I like to follow?

Travel Time!

2010-02-27T19:10:00.003-06:00

I was looking at some pictures from Hungary this past week and really missing it, and I just saw the Thames in London on television a moment ago. This was all it took for me to start to develop some wanderlust again. Maybe a 2010 summer trip? (I'm already going to Florida with the Shreveport/SE Texas crew.)

Who's with me? And where should I go? I think I prefer it to be someplace new.

Overheard in the Hallway: Kids Say the Darnedest #&%?! Things Edition

2010-02-25T22:31:00.009-06:00

A magical exchange with a really questionable little kid.

Kid: My crayons talk to me.
Me: Ohh... umm, what do they say?
Kid: They say..... 'Don't scribble.'
Me: Well, at least they have a pretty good message.

*After posting this, I finally remembered the other thing he told me: "There are weasels in my head. They give me a fun feeling."

Lucky 7

2010-02-23T16:53:00.001-06:00

I just upgraded, and Windows 7 is waaaaaay better than Vista, which I blame for any and all technology problems I've had in the past year. Thanks for the software and tech support, Kevin!

I fell asleep during the installation last night, and awoke in a panic to a shut down computer, feeling certain I'd missed some prompt and ruined my computer forever. I'm an old lady that way.

Now, if one of you witty readers would give me a name for my blog, life would be a picnic!

Mohawk's Beard & Mustache Competition

2010-02-20T10:46:00.010-06:00

Last night was the 4th Annual Beard & Mustache Competition at Mohawk in Austin, which included such categories as Gnarliest Beard, Sweetest 'Stache, Ladies (glued/drawn on, don't worry), Freestyle Facial Hair, Fiercest Chops, Best Groomed, and the Six-Month Sprint. It was packed so I had to take my pictures from pretty far away, but there was some pretty impressive facial hair roaming around!

I ran into some other friends of mine, Sarah and Elaine (below with the poster), who were there to support Elaine's boyfriend Dave in the mustache category.

We watched most of it from the stairs in the back corner--not crowded and close to the bar and bathroom. Plus we could see. Win!

Unfortunately, there wasn't anything that could touch the guy in this video, despite Mohawk's hopeful hinting on their page. Maybe next year.

Didn't Think About That Happening.

2010-02-12T17:49:00.004-06:00

My class played "Pin the Heart on the Cupid" at our Valentine's Day party, and I'll be damned if this one kid didn't ask to go last, and then proceed to stick the heart right on Cupid's crotch. I'm pretty sure he meant to do it, and peeked through the blindfold. He did not win a prize. (That is, unless you count the undying admiration of one's classmates as a prize.)

Oh, and the winner cheated. She was pretty obvious about it, lifting her chin to see under the blindfold. But I didn't want to call her out on it and make a scene in front of all the parents who were there, so I had to let it go.

"Pin the Heart on the Cupid" was most definitely not a win for me. Luckily, the rest of the party was good, i.e. the part of it of which I was not in charge.

(I'll add a picture later if I get a chance.)

Karaoke Killaz

2010-02-11T11:37:00.003-06:00

The best way to get yourself killed in the Philippines is not to roam around back alleys, flash large amounts of cash, or pick a fight. Instead, it seems lately that the quickest way to meet Jesus is to sing "My Way"--badly--at karaoke night.

The New York Times has a really interesting article about this phenomenon, which has become an actual crime subcategory (the "'My Way' killings") with Filipino authorities. They're not sure exactly how many victims have been offed after singing the Frank Sinatra song, but they've confirmed at least six in the past decade, which mostly occurring after the singer was heckled for being out of tune.

I won't rehash the whole article since you can read it for yourself, but another notable example of karaoke violence is the Thai man who murdered eight of his neighbors after they performed John Denver's "Take Me Home Country Roads".

Even Cuter Than the Plumpy'nut Kid

2010-02-06T10:07:00.004-06:00

[sic]

2010-02-03T19:22:00.009-06:00

This was a lovely status update on Facebook. I doubt this person reads my blog, but if she does, well... oh well.

"Hybrid cars may lower fule emissions and smog, but the people driving them are so arragont and full of themselfs, that the people create 100x more SMUG"
-Ranger Friendly of South Park

Put that on a teabagger poster.

(And here. I didn't know what it meant for a long time, because, contrary to popular belief, NPR doesn't teach you quite everything.)

Another Film Review: Surrogate

2010-02-02T22:16:00.003-06:00

This movie is so horrible that I am in physical agony. If I had a can of paint, I'd open it and watch it dry.

Remember, kids: Redbox may only be a dollar, but you can't buy back your time.

Put On Your Bobby Socks, Baby...One Last Time

2010-01-31T22:02:00.004-06:00

Dan Seals, apparently, is dead. I learned this while watching the Grammys, on their reel of this year's performers who passed away. I'm really glad they left MJ out of that, because he already got a 3D tribute, for crying out loud, and I bet (at least most of) the other people didn't sort-of-maybe-probably touch some kiddies.

Back to Mr. Seals. He sang one of my early childhood favorites, "Bop". It evokes memories of Twitty's Restaurant (as in Conway Twitty) near the lake in East Texas. There is probably a tape of me singing this song somewhere at my parents' house, as there are of several Michael Jackson songs.

Until this tape is discovered, here's one of the BEST music videos of all time. (So suck on that, Kanye!)

Reason #4,397 Why Kate is a Good Writing Teacher

2010-01-25T23:05:00.006-06:00

Wow, I'm so active today! Three posts in one day. You're so welcome.

This is a little story about Kate (not her real name), my coworker, and Sawyer (not his real name), her classmate. (The names have been changed in honor of the coming week's big event--the final season premiere of Lost!) Kate's stories, at least when she tells them, are way better than TV. I only wish I had her on video telling it, because you'd wet your pants instead of being only mildly amused.

Kate's in graduate school earning a counseling degree, and she took a class last semester called Group Therapy. Basically, the students learned how to facilitate group therapy by participating in a "group therapy" of their own.

After the group members had begun to bring up topics early on, such as the death of close family members, the professor commented that he hadn't expected such serious and personal issues to be discussed so quickly. So Sawyer apparently decided to take it to the next level.

Sawyer informed the group that he had a rather complicated and unusual personal life. He shared that he is a "poly"--that is, he and his legal wife are married not to just another woman, but another couple. Big Love + swingers, and then some. Not surprisingly, he's also bisexual. Perhaps polyamory demands it. And last but not least, he's a masochist.

So the professor and the group sit in silence while Sawyer spills his innermost secrets, and when it comes to a close, the professor chooses to ask quiet, sweet Kate her thoughts about all this.

"Well. In my fourth grade writing class, we've been learning about metaphors. And you know what Sawyer reminds me of? A tree. And that's because he's got a trunk, and he's branching out all over the place."

I think that was the end of class that night. Get 'em, Kate.

Plumpy'nut

2010-01-25T20:07:00.002-06:00

Visit my cooking blog to learn more about Plumpy'nut... and stop your giggling!

Too Hungry for Humping

2010-01-25T15:28:00.005-06:00

Lt. Governor Andre Bauer, of the great state of South Carolina, regarding school lunches and other forms of government assistance:

Oh, come on...I'm pretty sure Jesus would say the same thing.

Financial Ruin

2010-01-24T21:22:00.005-06:00

So, I just spent about two and a half, maybe three, hours fooling around on the computer under the guise of paying bills. I did pay my bills, which only entails writing down a bunch of crap in the check register since they are all paid automatically, but it took me so long because I am very... easily... distracted. Not only did I waste a lot of time, I made a stupid mistake that puts me in the red until Tuesday when I get paid for tutoring!

Mom and Dad, I'd like to thank you for sending me to college, and then to graduate school. You can see it was money well spent.

While I'm at it, I'd like to thank you, RRISD, for hiring me to teach math. The children are in good hands.

Thank you.

*Added ten minutes later:

Wait, it gets better: dumb as I was before, I just discovered I made another mistake, but this one was in my favor. I'm back in black and all is well... except I'm still not fit to have a diploma or teach kids.

What Not to Do

2010-01-24T14:13:00.008-06:00

Shannon, Megan, and I went out in Austin last night to celebrate the completion of a big project and presentation for Shannon's grad school class. We had a great time, but we met some real characters. Luckily, we quickly realized that these encounters needed to be documented, so Shannon got out her camera.

Apparently, it was St. Patrick's Day last night.

Creepster in Action: He's unafraid of Megan's wedding ring, or by the words "go away".

This was Creepster. Creepster, we quickly noticed, had been enjoying much more than cocktails before he went out last night, and it showed. Subtlety was lost on this man, and Teacher Voices had to be put into action to get Creepster to get the overtly stated message that he needed to go.

Paperclip and my "I believe you" face.

This was Paperclip. Paperclip was a friendly and good-looking guy, but apparently has watched Romy and Michele's High School Reunion one too many times, because he insisted that he was a paperclip designer for Staples, whose greatest career achievement to date was the design of a race car-shaped paperclip. I asked him to draw it, and he said he could only bend it from a piece of metal, and that a computer would take it from there. Anyway, he simply would not admit otherwise. (Remember, gentlemen... "I'm unemployed" doesn't sound as bad as an obvious fat lie.)

I guess this is who Keeps Austin Weird!

Problem Is, I'm Too Damn Old to Shop There

2010-01-23T21:07:00.004-06:00

Now I see these as hoochie clothes. When did I get old? Depressing.

Happy 80th Birthday, Buzz!

2010-01-20T08:02:00.009-06:00

Today is the 80th birthday of astronaut Buzz Aldrin. For the purposes of your continuing education, here are some mighty interesting things you might not know about the second man on the moon.

He turned down a full ride to MIT to go to West Point instead.

His mother's maiden name was Moon.

He recorded a rap song called "The Rocket Experience" in 2009, which you can view here.

Aldrin, a Presbyterian, received Communion on the moon, but did it secretly because of a lawsuit brought my Madalyn Murray O'Hair over the reading of Genesis on Apollo 8.

He appeared on Celebrity Jeopardy! in 1996.

He is the model for the "moonman" that sits atop the MTV Music Award statuettes.

And my personal favorite: He punched filmmaker Bart Sibrel in the face in 2002 after Sibrel accused Aldrin and NASA of faking the moon landing, calling Aldrin "a coward, a liar, and a thief".

Name My Blog

2010-01-19T22:14:00.002-06:00

I give up. I don't really even care anymore. The previous title, Make Dinner, Not War, was only fitting until I moved the food content to a new spot.

I don't like coming up with titles; in fact, they're the bane of this site's existence. So if you have some clever idea, fire away.

Then I'll fancy up the background. Now THAT I care about.

Thanks, Grandma!

2010-01-19T22:09:00.004-06:00

A message from my friend, Golden Ass:

You wanna see an email I got from my grandmother?? This is what I hear every time I go over there: "Who got married? Your Dad said you came home for a wedding? Everybody but you and Brad. We don't see Brad. Hope he is not sleeping too much."

This is particularly hilarious if you know Brad.

The Oatmeal is Hilarious

2010-01-16T08:58:00.002-06:00

Yep, that's right. The Oatmeal is high-larious. Take a gander.

Or....

2010-01-14T14:59:00.001-06:00

Text "Haiti" to 90999. $10 will be billed automatically to your cell phone and will go to the Red Cross.

An astounding sum of $4 million has already been raised this way!

Help Haiti's Earthquake Victims

2010-01-13T09:13:00.002-06:00

A 7.0-magnitude earthquake destroyed most of the Haitian capital of Port-Au-Prince on Tuesday evening.

CNN.com has a long list of aid organizations that will accept donations for relief efforts.

Good Plan

2010-01-08T23:03:00.002-06:00

I joined a gym that hasn't opened yet. What better excuse not to go?

Overheard in the Classroom: Feline Edition

2010-01-08T08:59:00.002-06:00

Kid: My cat wishes she had a boyfriend.
Me: What?
Kid: My cat wishes she had a boyfriend.
Me: What?
Kid: She's loopy.
Me: What do you mean?
Kid: We think she has this disease where foam comes out of her mouth.
Other kid: You mean rabies?
Kid: Huh huh huh... rabies.

This is what we're dealing with, people.

Today I Sit at the Unpopular Kids' Table

2010-01-07T17:13:00.002-06:00

Tina R. did it first. She posted "beige" as her status update on Facebook. I say to myself, hmm.

Then Mary Sue posts "beige", too. And Alyson posts "pink". Melissa says "black".

Amber D. is "Ready to watch the game! :) Pink!"

Paul posts "burnt orange". Not sure if this is part of the game or a reference to The Game.

I have no idea what's going on.

Another Foolproof Recommendation

2010-01-06T22:34:00.005-06:00

I used to listen to Norah Jones' first album, Come Away With Me, to put me to sleep. Literally. It wasn't that I didn't like it, but just that it was such background noise that it did the job after I had been all wound up from working late at night back in the restaurant days. Recently I heard a review and song excerpts of her new album, The Fall, on NPR (What? It's the only station that a Prius can receive!) and they were talking about how much Norah rocks out on this album.

Well, they acknowledged, as much as Norah Jones is physically capable of rocking out. Which isn't much. But at least there are several songs on the album that are of a funeral-inappropriate tempo! So, that's ok, baby steps...

Oh! And she has a song about dogs, "Man of the Hour". That's a win, of course.

Here's "Edgy Norah" and her top hat on her album cover.

Here she is on Jimmy Kimmel Live singing "It's Gonna Be", one of my favorites from this CD.

HurrAHHHHH!

2010-01-05T21:36:00.003-06:00

Well, what do you know? I'm not one for awards shows, but I'll be watching this one. Guess who's hosting the 67th Annual Golden Globe Awards?

Ricky Flippin' Gervais, ka-diddles!

He has the funniest stand-up special I've ever seen, and two awesome TV series (BBC's The Office and Extras). So I'm sure that he'll make a pretentious awards show worth watching.

Now Accepting Applications

2010-01-04T13:12:00.001-06:00

Today's my first day back at work, and I'm beginning to wonder if employment is really for me. Probably not. So instead, I'm considering becoming a trophy wife.

The Best of 2009, and a Little of 2010

2010-01-03T08:32:00.022-06:00

I had to make my own year-end list! 2009 was a good year for me, overall. Here are many reasons why, loosely in chronological order. Yeah, it's long, but I can't think of any better way to spend an hour than reading my blog, so get busy!

1. I started the year by making a really difficult decision that ended up being right for me, although I was sad about it. Anyway, I was proud of myself for doing it.

2. We got a new president with whom I agree on fundamental issues, and I feel like we're moving forward, albeit slowly, in a positive way.

3. I started a project in which I was to take a photo for every day of the year. I only lasted six months before it became a chore, but nevertheless, I had a good time and got some good photos. I might try something like this on a smaller scale this year, like maybe once a month.

4. My Maw Maw got a clean bill of health after her battle with lymphoma!

5. I went on a month-long trip across Europe with Benedikt, Garret, and Kevin. It was definitely a highlight of the year, particularly my almost-kiss on a French train and of course, visiting Budapest and seeing my old friends.

6. I had quite a lot of new dates this year. Ha!

7. I got to go to the MLB All-Star Game in St. Louis with one of said dates. The relationship didn't last too long, but hey, a trip to the All-Star Game... not too shabby!

8. My job changed slightly so that I now only teach math and science. I like it so much better than teaching all subjects.

9. I made three diaper cakes and one painting (for my nephew's room). I like doing crafty things, so this was fun for me.

10. Clearly, diaper cakes means babies! First was Stephanie K. & Dustin's Braden in January, then my sister and Cody's Mason (my first nephew!) as a birthday present to me in November, and Stephanie I. and A.J.'s Annaleigh just before Christmas. Also, some far-away friends, Heather & Kris (baby Jude), Jonathan & Angela (Savannah) and Derrick & Becca (Olivia-Grace), had little ones this year, and while I haven't met them yet, I can watch them grow through their parents' blogs. Also, my best friend Charity and her husband A.J. are expecting their first baby together in July 2010! This is Mason at six weeks old:

11. I started a cooking blog, My Little Black Cookbook.

12. I had a long visit at home! Here's some of my family at Christmas. I wish I'd gotten a picture of all the cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. I have to do better about that at the next family gathering.

13. I had an amazing time seeing my old Pappadeaux friends the day after Christmas! I hadn't seen most of them in several years. You can see that none of us have bothered growing up too much.

And now, for the REST of the story...

2010 started off nicely in a casino in Shreveport, Louisiana, but ended up taking a crappy turn... before redeeming itself, just in time.

I lost only $6.50 before calling it quits, because I knew where that was headed. The rest of the night (morning) was a blast, spent with Kevin, Garret, Britney, Clifton, Jen, and Seth.

But at about 5:30 p.m., I was at Kevin's apartment alone and was going to take the dogs (my Buddy and Spanky, and Kevin's pug Abby) out to pee one at a time. I took Buddy first, and then upon returning him to the apartment to grab the next dog, Spanky slipped by me and took off, followed by Abby. Buddy's collar slipped off him and he ran off as well.

All hell broke loose at that point. Abby was the only one who didn't go far (Kevin says she's too afraid). Buddy and Spanky ran across the busy road behind the apartments into a huge front yard. I called them, and Buddy, the simpleton that he is, happily darted back across the road, right in front of a truck. I'm so thankful that the driver was paying attention because he slammed on the brakes and missed Buddy by probably two feet. This put the fear of God in old Buddy because he came back to me. I'd picked up Abby by this time, and tied Buddy to a post while I put her back in the apartment and got my glasses on.

So I went to look for Spanky in an undeveloped area behind the houses, but of course it was getting dark--oh, and did I mention I was wearing my pajama pants?--and I couldn't find him anywhere. Britney, Clifton, Kevin and I all looked for him for five hours on foot and by car, but no Spanky. I was pretty sure I wouldn't see him again.

The next morning (yesterday morning), I waited until 9 a.m. to go back out again, because I spent the first part of the morning making ads and signs to post. Garret sent me a message asking if Spanky had shown up on the doorstep, and I told him there was no way he'd find his way back, because he didn't know the area, and I could barely locate Kevin's apartment in the huge complex myself.

Well, lo and behold, I open the door to go outside, and there sits Spanky. He's not feeling too well, even now, because he got a little banged up, but I got him checked by a local vet, and he's safe and back here with me.

So that was a near miss, 2010... I expect better things from you in the future.

That's My Boy!

2009-12-30T17:04:00.006-06:00

Garret and I just arrived at Kevin's for our new year's visit, and I have a problem: my dogs won't quit freaking out every time anyone comes within 50 yards of the apartment. Garret, who shows overt favoritism toward Buddy, has threatened to "poke Spanky's eye out" if he doesn't shut up, to no avail. Garret's undying love is surprising since not five minutes before, he attempted to cuddle up with Buddy on Kevin's brand-spankin'-new couch, only to get his balls literally stomped by my 60-pound bouncing baby boy when--you guessed it--someone came within 50 yards of the apartment and he flipped out.

And as luck would have it, here are shots of the unfortunate incident unfolding:

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones...

2009-12-25T12:01:00.000-06:00

Last night, someone told me that “Bama”, the suffix occasionally appended to my given name by my grandfather, and thus the source of my oft-used online identity, is a derogatory term used for rednecks, ne’er-do-wells, PWT, hillbillies, crooks, toothless, and Palins. The hell you say!

Luckily, this term is isolated to the Virginias/Carolinas region of our sprawling country, and I stay away from those places anyway.

A Little Christmas Flair

2009-12-14T18:00:00.002-06:00

For the Curious Among Us

2009-12-09T12:55:00.004-06:00

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live as a rodent? NO? Well, let's say you had. BillInPortlandMaine over at Daily Kos has discovered a wonderful opportunity for you: La Villa Hamster. Their website is in French, so I had to swipe Bill's explanation:

A new gîte in Nantes offers guests the chance to live as a rodent for the night---complete with fur costumes and a romantic hamster wheel for two ... Tucked away down an unremarkable side-street near the centre of the western French city, the Villa Hamster offers guests the "unique" opportunity to leave their species at the door and live the life of a rodent. Urging those curious to enter into its "poetic" world of woodchippings and fur costumes, its website asks: "Is it possible to put myself in the place of my hamster?"

If you're still not sure, then check out this video on The Guardian's website.

Yeeeeesssssss!

2009-12-09T06:03:00.003-06:00

Rumor has it that Pee Wee Herman, who will open his LA stage show, "The Pee Wee Herman Show" in January, might even have another movie in the works.

"He's the impulsive character who will do what you're feeling inside," said the show's director, Alex Timbers.

Insert your own "what I'm feeling inside" jokes here. Nevertheless, they claim that the show is the equivalent of a PG movie.

Now, for your viewing pleasure...

1901 by Phoenix

2009-12-06T18:58:00.002-06:00

Me likey. I heard this song so many times on the radio recently, but couldn't figure out the title. I visited the radio station's website and looked for a song that appeared on the playlist all the freaking time, then listened to previews on iTunes to see if that was the song. I got it on the first try, because they played it no less than SEVEN times yesterday. Seven? Really? Anyway, here is the song.

Hi! We're just BEGGING to go to the Humane Society!

2009-11-30T20:52:00.004-06:00

In the past twenty-four hours, these simply adorable dogs have jumped on my chair to spend the night (off which I spent ten minutes vacuuming their hair yesterday) with muddy feet, then somehow gotten into my bedroom and strewed and/or ate the entire contents of the trash can, shredding the bag as an added middle-finger to me, and finally, stole my tomatoes out of my grocery bag and started eating them.

They're awful and spoiled and I don't know what to do with them. Please, somebody tell me. I don't have time to watch The Dog Whisperer DVDs either.

No, I'd never really get rid of them, because I do love them, but they're making me afraid to ever have children.

Maybe I should ask them to consider what the Berenstain Bears would do.

Overheard at the Post Office: Morality Edition

2009-11-30T17:31:00.004-06:00

Unsmiling father to four-year-old daughter, who had just whispered to him that she'd broken a plastic display piece, in a thick foreign accent:

"And what do we do? What would the Berenstain Bears do?"

(And I seriously doubt that this incident will be as funny in print.)

I'm Moving!

2009-11-26T14:00:00.002-06:00

Part of me anyway, the recipes part. For a while I've thought that the recipes were cluttering up the place around here, and I'd like to have them better organized anyway as my collection grows.

So...introducing my NEW all-cooking blog, My Little Black Cookbook! I hope you will find something you like there. I will be adding more recipes shortly, including this afternoon's Creamy Potato Soup.

Time to get ready for Thanksgiving dinner. I hope everyone's having something good to eat today!

Thanksgiving Nostalgia

2009-11-26T09:06:00.004-06:00

I'm spending Thanksgiving here in Round Rock this year with my friend Stephanie's family. I wish I could see my family too, but saw them two weeks ago when Mason was born, and so I decided I'll wait till Christmas to make the long trip home again.

For some unknown reason, I feel the urge to go shopping tomorrow. I've only gone to Black Friday once, about ten years ago with my uncle, and we stayed about five minutes before heading home empty-handed because to hell with that nonsense. But... I think there might be some things out there that I do not need, but am willing to pull an all-nighter to acquire.

At any rate, I hope you will all have a great Thanksgiving. Here's a fond Thanksgiving memory for you: Sarah Palin, in outer space as usual, as a turkey gets deli-sliced behind her.

I remind you that this person was dangerously close to being a member of our government's executive branch.

News to Me!

2009-11-25T18:23:00.005-06:00

Ever hear a song, and for whatever reason, you think it's an old song, when it is actually new? I experienced this phenomenon previously with "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree", and now with the song "Walking on a Dream" by Australian duo Empire of the Sun. I could have sworn that it came from the soft rock mecca of my childhood, the 80s, but no. This year. I realized this only today.

Knowing this, and spotting many resemblances, I have now concluded that they're a Flight of the Conchords rip-off, but that won't stop me from downloading the song, because I've heard it a few times today and it's in my head.

*Watch the video here, they don't let you embed.

Wow, I wonder why I thought they were an 80s band?

Overheard in the Classroom: Space Edition

2009-11-20T10:00:00.002-06:00

"Do you know what the fifty-oneth planet is?"

My work is cut out for me.

I Almost Did This With My Birthday Cake That My Mom Made Me...

2009-11-16T17:15:00.002-06:00

...but my sister and brother-in-law ate it all before I could.

Say Hello to My Little Friend

2009-11-15T11:33:00.022-06:00

This birthday weekend has been a big winner! Starting on Thursday (which was my actual birthday), I got lots of love from my students and coworkers, with a cookie cake at lunch and brownies at the end of the day. The kids also decided to turn off the lights, hide, and yell surprise every time I left the room. They were very sweet and it never did get old or less funny.

Next up was birthday dinner with Anthony, not at Chick-Fil-A as I had been repeatedly promised, but at an Italian bistro named Cipollina. Unfortunately for Anthony, I was a little distracted because I was waiting on a call from my brother-in-law...

My little baby sister Amy told me early Thursday morning that she was having stronger and more frequent contractions, but she didn't seem too convinced until about 7 p.m., when they suddenly started coming about two minutes apart. She told me to wait till the doctor checked her, and sure enough, Cody called me just after we left Cipollina to tell me that she had dilated to a 5 and it was "definitely going to be now".

So I left Austin at 10 p.m. and arrived in Beaumont just after 2 a.m. He tried his best to make it on my birthday, but because he takes after Auntie Amber, he was a little bit late. I totally understood! Anyway, he did wait for me to arrive, and was born at 2:42 a.m., weighing 7 pounds, 2 ounces, and measuring 19.5" long. Amy and Mason Brooks are both doing great, and will be discharged from the hospital any minute now!

Click to enlarge. (Then right click to make it your desktop wallpaper...you know you want to!)

Carrie Prejean, You're Awesome.

2009-11-12T12:04:00.005-06:00

Why can't this woman go away? If I've ever seen anyone who could benefit more from a good balled fist to the face, I don't remember when. Here's why:

1. She's an über-hypocrite. You disagree with gay marriage, fine. That's your opinion. But that moral high road that you claim to be taking becomes mighty inconvenient when your SEX TAPE comes out. Oops.

When you're even more insufferable than Elisabeth Hasselbeck, then we've got a problem.

2. She's smarmy as all get-out. It would take a squeegee to wipe that ever-present smirk off her face. Check out her amazing interview on Larry "Inappropriate" King Live here, in which she unclips her mike and refuses to speak for the last part of the interview. This is after she refers to Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin as "brilliant".

3. She owes the Miss California pageant a chunk of change for those boobs they bought her before she made an ass of herself and got "dethroned" (love using that word in reference to beauty pageants) for contract violations.

Halloween Happened.

2009-11-04T22:17:00.005-06:00

And I didn't get one single picture of my sweet red boots. Here's a picture of me in my go-go dancer dress though, and luckily, the earrings are mine to keep!

In related news, my pumpkin did in fact win first place at Applebee's, thank you very much! I got a $25 GC and the kids all got a free kids' meal. Holla! Now start sucking up to me and maybe I'll take you for a fancy meal where we eat good in the neighborhood.

Your Election Night Headquarters

2009-11-03T18:25:00.003-06:00

Get ready to get tingly all over again, people! This video, edited by DailyKos contributor Jed Lewison, will take you back to that glorious evening last November when we Democrats finally got our groove back after eight years of He Who Shall Not Be Named.

Tonight's races might not be as exciting, but CNN.com has a great article here to fill you in on the most influential and interesting contests nationwide.

Be sure to read about Dede Scozzafava, a Republican who was driven from the race in New York's 23rd Congressional district by a more conservative third-party candidate, then served up a nice platter of steaming hot boo-yah by endorsing the Democratic candidate. I'm just glad that for once it's not the Democrats who are shooting themselves in the foot.

He Don't Play

2009-10-28T21:38:00.006-05:00

As most of you know, I'm not generally a cheerleader of very many Republicans, and I'm pretty sure this particular one has a severe speech impediment that masquerades as an "accent", I did get a rise out of what Arnold Schwarznegger did this week.

After being heckled by San Francisco Assemblyman Tom Ammiano, a Democrat, the Republican governor received a bill sponsored by Ammiano on his desk, and declined to sign it. As he usually does, he included a short note of explanation to inform the sponsor of why he decided against signing it.

Here's the note that accompanied this bill:

Read the first letter of every line in the second and third paragraphs. Zing!, right?

When asked about the occurrence, his smart-ass spokesman just said, "My goodness. What a coincidence. I suppose when you do so many vetoes, something like this is bound to happen." He also helpfully pointed out that previous letters have spelled out such shockers as "soap" and "poet".

Party Halloweekend is Coming Soon

2009-10-27T21:09:00.005-05:00

This is going to be a good one. Albeit marred by having to take the ESL certification test at 8 a.m. on Saturday, I think there are some fun times to be had in the few days to come.

On Friday, I am headed to San Antonio to join my friend Charity and her family helping at a Halloween party at an orphanage. That's all I know about it so far, but I think it sounds really nice and like a lot of fun.

Saturday, as I said, is the test, but I'll go home, take a quick disco nap, and head to the Texas Book Festival to see..... Gail Freakin' Collins! I'm really excited about this because as I mentioned here before, I'm a big fan, and will probably buy her new book at the festival, When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present. (If anyone wants to join for the book festival, let me know.)

Saturday night in downtown Austin will be the icing on the cake. But I'll wait and let you see my costume in pictures...

Speaking of, here's a picture of the pumpkin that my students and I decorated last week for a contest at Applebee's. Ain't she somethin'?

Lawn Update...and Other Minor Household Troubles

2009-10-26T22:45:00.003-05:00

Stephanie volunteered the services of her carburetor-fixin' husband, AJ, to examine the lawnmower. Loveybears! AJ has since narrowed down the problem, determine what will be needed to fix it, and is going to repair the old hunk o'junk for me.

In related news, Stephanie knows how to fix the automatic garage door opener (again) that I have unwittingly screwed up (again). I'm going to be taking notes this time.

It's good to have friends who know how to do stuff.

I am currently repaying their kindnesses by making them a really bitchin' diaper cake for baby Annalea, due in late December. Photos soon!

Hi, I'm Easily Defeated.

2009-10-19T18:38:00.002-05:00

This is my backyard.

The Garden of Eden.

You may have noticed it's a bit uneven. That's what happens when your lawnmower is a big ol' piece and you let the grass grow for about a month and you try to cut it and the mower dies. I have had some craptastic luck with lawnmowers since moving here, and I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself about it.

My only consolation is that my misfit dog is eating the grass with gusto as we speak. He's really getting after it. Parts of said grass are taller than he is.

So until I can get a lawn service to come out here, I'll sit in my Delta Downs lawn chair in the cut part of the yard and read my book.

2009: A Very Vampire Year

2009-10-14T19:10:00.005-05:00

So far, since receiving the book Twilight for Christmas from my mom last year, I have been on a bit of a tear. I read Twilight and the two books that followed: New Moon and Eclipse. Of course, Twilight was a movie as well, albeit a crappy one. Tonight I will finish the fourth book, Breaking Dawn. The first and last books were much better than numbers two and three, and overall I guess I'd give the series 3 stars out of 5.

In between times, I also read the Swedish vampire novel, Let the Right One In by John Ajvide Lindquist. The book was 4 stars out of 5. It was also made into a movie, which looked like it might have been good, but I just couldn't get past the really awful, awful dubbing. I'd rather read subtitles than hear a series of disembodied voices for two hours. Plus, the book was so long that they had to leave a lot out. That always disappoints me.

Finally, I have just started watching the HBO series True Blood. Love it! I know the rest of the world's already seen it, but in case you're in my no-cable-TV-having club, the vampires in this show are "out of the coffin" and trying to fit into society. The main character is Sookie Stackhouse, a waitress in Bon Temps, Louisiana, who meets a vampire, Bill Compton. (I don't know much about what happens after that, because I'm only on the fourth episode. So don't spoil it for me!) One thing I really like about the show is that it's set in true backwoods Louisiana, and what's a better setting than that?

Additionally, I've always wanted to read Dracula. Maybe someday.

I know that the vampire-centricity of my entertainment this year is largely due to how popular they've become lately. Before that, it was wizards with Harry Potter. (I'm afraid I bought into that one too, full speed, but again--I was hardly alone.) I wonder when this will pass, and what will be the next juvenile trend to which I happily succumb?

Take a Look at Jesus Needs New P.R.

2009-10-08T04:28:00.006-05:00

I want to call your attention again to author Matthew Paul Turner's blog, Jesus Needs New P.R. He's a Christian writer whose books are a funny take on Christianity and how seriously some people take themselves.

Posts include book reviews, commentaries, a regular "Jesus Pic of the Day", and a variety of products and services he comes across that remind us what it really, really means to be a Christian. For example, there's the photoshopped pictures of your children with Jesus, done by Mormon Kay in Utah, and the company that will care for your pets after the rapture.

Below are a couple of his findings. Visit his site for more, of course!

"Okay, so you juggle AND wear a bow tie. Well, I'll clap, but I'm not sure I can help you, son." -Jesus

Guess what my mom's getting for Christmas this year?

Lucky Lady

2009-09-30T23:08:00.005-05:00

I had no idea that they were dating in the first place, but Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are still very much an item after two long years, according to CNN.com. (Yep, that's news.)

With that said, I know what she's getting for Christmas!

Textual Relations

2009-09-30T20:41:00.003-05:00

Are you bored by your real friends? If you’re in desperate, desperate need of human contact--and by “contact” I don’t mean physical contact, but rather an anonymously arranged Internet chat with a complete stranger—then have I got the place for you!

Omegle.com offers “a brand-new service for meeting new friends” in which the site randomly selects another user and sets you up in a one-on-one chat. As they remind you, “chats are completely anonymous, although there is nothing to stop you from revealing personal details if you would like.” Fair enough.

This site was discovered by my friend-of-a-friend Seth. Let’s see what magic unfolds when Seth gives Omegle a try:

Stranger: Hi!
Seth: hi
Stranger: from?
Seth: Louisiana, you?
Stranger: Indonesia
Seth: dot or feather?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Oops! Looks like Seth might have pissed off his new potential friend. He’d better keep watch on the Omegle blog, which is bound to have a cultural sensitivity entry coming soon.

Enjoy! If you try Omegle and get anything interesting, be sure to let me know in the comments section.

Happy Banned Books Week!

2009-09-30T06:44:00.003-05:00

Maybe the teabaggers will go after 1984 this week. Can't wait. (Whatever they do, I'm sure it will be well-thought out and eloquently expressed.)

Banned Books Links:
ALA Banned & Challenged Classics
Banned Books Week
Top Ten of 2008

When Boy Meets Girl

2009-09-12T15:11:00.007-05:00

I'm afraid that since wearing myself out in the period leading up to the election, this site has steadily careened from frequent, relevant, and original thoughts into a dumping ground for viral video, recipes, links to things that other people posted, and reviews of books that other people wrote. So in keeping with that theme, while also attempting to intersperse an original thought like in the Good Old Days, I would like to mention the case of one Caster Semenya.

Semenya, an 18-year-old South African runner, recently won the 800-meter event at the world championships in Berlin, finishing a full 2.45 seconds ahead of her nearest competitor. Since then, she has become the object of much speculation as to her gender, especially because of her masculine appearance and low voice.

To truly answer the question would involve doctors and hormonal specialists, because it has been suggested that Semenya is not simply male, but androgynous. (A September 14 Time magazine article about Semenya describes androgen-insensitivity syndrome as a genetic male who is resistant to androgens, the male sex horomones, which includes testosterone. The testes may never descent, the genitalia resemble a female's, and though the body produces testosterone, it is insensitive to its effect, which prompts it to produce more.)

Now, hold on to your hats, everyone, because here comes my original thought for the month: what if she is? Does that qualify her as male or female, necessarily? Would it be fair to place her in either category for the purposes of athletic competition? (By the way, her times were nowhere good enough to qualify her for the competition as a man.) Is it fair to the women against whom she is competing? And how much power should the International Association of Athletics Federations have as far as subjecting her to gender testing?

Joe Wilson Canceled Arrested Development

2009-09-12T08:08:00.004-05:00

It's true! Learn more interesting facts about the verbally-incontinent representative from South Carolina at JoeWilsonIsYourPreExistingCondition.com.

Film School, Vol. 7: Flight of the Conchords, Season Two!

2009-08-26T22:08:00.005-05:00

Hooray, they're back! If you were savvy enough to listen to my previous recommendation, then you're already familiar with Bret and Jemaine, "Formerly New Zealand's fourth most popular guitar-based digi-bongo acapella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo" from season one of HBO's Flight of the Conchords.

My favorite song from this season is "Sugarlumps". Don't watch it in front of your six year old. (It's called "Sugarlumps", what do you expect?) It's catchy, and you don't want them running around singing this one at Sunday School.

Can Your Butt Do This?

2009-08-13T20:52:00.002-05:00

Author Matthew Paul Turner posted this hilarious video on his site, which he found on his friend's site, and so on. (That's why it's called "viral" video, I guess.) It's slightly off-putting, yet mesmerizing, and completely hilarious!

Reading Rainbow, Vol. 6: The Time Traveler's Wife

2009-08-10T11:44:00.008-05:00

I did a lot of reading this summer, particularly on my trip to Europe, and this was one of those books. I was a little unconvinced when I read the premise, but I was surprised to find out that the book was so well-written that it wasn't silly at all.

Clare and Henry meet when Henry is an adult and Clare is six, and then they marry when Henry is 28 and Clare is 20. This is because Henry suffers from a genetic anomaly that causes him to travel forward and backward in time involuntarily when his genetic clock resets. Throughout the story, each section is prefaced with the date and both character's ages at that time, since they're not always eight years apart.

They experience things like trying to buy a house (searching for the particular house that Henry has already seen in their future), wanting to have a successful pregnancy after numerous setbacks, and trying to hide Henry's condition from those who probably would not understand. Additionally, they have to face the challenge of keeping Henry in the present for important moments, such as their wedding.

You may have seen the previews for this movie, which will be released this coming weekend. I am not sure if it will be as good as the book, but I'm looking forward to seeing it anyway. You still have time to get this book and read it before you see the movie--it is long (500 pages) but is an easy read that passes very quickly!

I Am a Diaper Genie

2009-08-09T14:30:00.004-05:00

(click to enlarge)

This is the diaper cake I made for my sister's shower in October. It contains 260 diapers, five onesies, socks, pacifiers, and a bottle. Amy and I happened to find the little wood cutouts, already painted, for 59 cents at JoAnn's. I have to say I am pretty proud of how it turned out! I sent it home with her today, when she and Cody left from visiting me here in Round Rock this weekend.

She'll be having a boy, named Mason Brooks, and if we're lucky, he'll be born one week early...on my 29th birthday! That would be fun, and besides, we don't want him getting too portly before my tiny sister has to birth him.

Birthday Boy

2009-08-04T16:15:00.004-05:00

A very happy 48th to #44! I'm so off to bake a cake now.

Oh, and if you're one of the ever-hopeful few who still insist that Obama wasn't born in the United States, because "how could he be, with a crazy Muslim name like that? LOL", then here's a copy of his birth announcement in the Honolulu Advertiser from 1961. (Thanks to Bill In Portland Maine at Dailykos. Check out his hilarious daily column, Cheers and Jeers.)

Oh No She Di'n't

2009-07-22T16:52:00.004-05:00

I would like to call your attention to this rather abysmal musical performance, "Anywhere I Lay My Head" (thanks to my Facebook buddy Jen) in which actress Scarlett Johannson crows unintelligibly, almost as if she's imitating the old men in the choir at her church.

Oy vey.

I Love the Twilight Books, But...

2009-07-22T08:38:00.004-05:00

I've now read three of the four books in the Twilight series, and while I have enjoyed them and look forward to finishing the last book, apparently they haven't impacted my life in quite the same way as they did for reader John Henson, a 33-year old costume designer who collects original clothing from the film.

Any 'Twilight' fan can tell you that they've been written so well, that they're real. It was the second book, 'New Moon,' that made me a fan. It was chapter three, and it was the breakup of Bella and Edward; it hit me so hard emotionally that I had to cancel dinner with friends. At that point I was 29, 30 years old, and to make me cry? That's when I knew Stephenie Meyer was a brilliant writer.

Of course.

8/4/09 - Updated to add: Look here for some... special pictures of the Twilight convention (think Star Trek!), including a couple of our buddy Mr. Henson.

They'd Have Been Kicked Out of the Houston Zoo Years Ago Anyway

2009-07-11T22:24:00.005-05:00

The San Francisco Zoo's popular gay penguins, Harry and Pepper, have "split up" after some penguin ho-bag named Linda came in and convinced Harry to switch teams. What's more, Pepper then became angry and violent.

Yet another story that you just couldn't even make up.

Gail Collins on Sarah Palin

2009-07-06T07:01:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, when I think I'm going to write about something on this dwindling site, I happen to read New York Times columnist Gail Collins' take on it first, and I realize that I cannot possibly top that. This is one of those times.

All Michael Jackson, All the Time

2009-06-28T02:10:00.003-05:00

This was taken at the marcipan museum in Szentendre, Hungary, 2 years ago. Incidentally, I arrived in Hungary yesterday and am having a great time seeing the city again and spending time with my old friends.

WHAT?!

2009-06-25T17:50:00.001-05:00

Holy crap. Michael Jackson died, following shortly after Farrah Fawcett. Bad day.

Romance in France (and Other Misadventures)

2009-06-20T15:28:00.001-05:00

I think that many people harbor grand fantasies of France, but our first day wasn't exactly a banner day for us here, short of one major plus, dinner with wonderful Ivory Coast native "Mama Africa" at her restaurant. (We returned the next night for more mafe and chicken, onions, and rice, and so that Garret could get another much-anticipated kiss on the cheek.)

We arrived in Marseille Tuesday evening after a very long day of travel, and had many misdventures since crossing the Monaco-France border. Right off the start, about ten minutes into the country, the four of us spread out in two train seats apiece, since the car wasn't crowded. My seats had another two facing me, and the guys were all behind me. Soon, a man wearing an Italian soccer jacket came and sat across from me and asked, "English?" I nodded, and he shrugged and replied, "French."

A minute or two passed as I was reading a book, when suddenly he looked at me and announced, "You...are...fantastic!" I smiled politely and was returning to my book, when suddenly, he appeared right in front of my face, aiming for a kiss! In the time allowed, I could think of no better line of defense than to simply shove my copy of The Time Traveler's Wife between us, praying in that brief moment, God, don't let this strange man's potentially herpes-infected lips touch my fingers or my book. (They narrowly missed.)

My three male traveling companions sat behind me, somewhat obliviously, so I called out, "umm... male travel companions?" At this they all sprang--belatedly but heroically--to their feet, leaving my would-be suitor to point at all of them, then me, in turn and then declare, finger pointed at my face, "You...are...stupid!" and storm out of the car.

We then watched him sit down next to another blonde in the next car, implementing what were probably similar tactics, until rejection came calling again mere moments later.

I was accompanied at all times by a "male travel companion" for the rest of the journey, which was wise since that particular train appeared to be full of carnie-types. Garret has since repeatedly told me how proud he was that I didn't cry, knowing my propensity to do so in unusual situations.

If that wasn't enough of a day for us, we had another incident on the way to dinner. Kevin was walking at the back of our group on the way to Mama Africa's, and came in the restaurant fighting mad, telling us that someone had tried to lift his wallet just outside the door. He caught them at the last moment, jerked away, and caused the pickpocketer to run away. He's been checking his pockets obsessively ever since.

On our way home that night, we had one last special moment, but this one good for a needed laugh: the bursting open of a bungee-corded cooler on the back of a delivery boy's Vespa, the spillage of several pizza boxes onto the street, the subsequent scooping up and repackaging of the boxes that came open, and finally, the driver speeding off, presumably to his originally intended destination since he did not turn around.

So, in review: carry a large book at all times, keep your wallet in the front pocket, and don't order pizza in France.

Trip Update: London & Salzburg

2009-06-08T10:41:00.002-05:00

If you didn't know, I am on a trip through western and central Europe right now with my friends Kevin, Garret, and Benedikt. The first pictures are posted on my Flickr page (albums London 2009 and Salzburg 2009). We'll be leaving for Venice tomorrow, so more to come soon!

Film School, Vol. 6: Ricky Gervais: Out of England

2009-05-30T23:00:00.003-05:00

This is a stand-up special, not a movie, shot at Madison Square Garden in 2008. Not surprisingly, it's the best stand-up routine that I have ever seen. It's not for the easily offended, as he jokes about cancer, Nazis, nursery rhymes, and obesity. But that is what makes it great!

If you've ever seen Extras (which you should have, because it was a previous Film School entry) or BBC's The Office, I don't have to sell you on this.

That's an "I Can Never Wear Shorts Again" Kind of Mistake. (And Yet He Wore Shorts Again.)

2009-05-24T21:40:00.007-05:00

Here's what Ashley and I saw tattooed--sideways, and in pseudo-Asian letters--on a man's leg at The Filling Station restaurant in Navasota, Texas, today:

You look realy silly.

The Saddest Story Ever Told

2009-05-16T11:30:00.005-05:00

Friday
3:15 p.m.
I wonder if it will rain tomorrow. Looking pretty gray outside right now.

9:00 p.m.
Weather.com says thunderstorms starting at noon on Saturday, which, incidentally, is precisely when the boat race will start. Hmm.

Saturday
7:00 a.m.
Now the storms are forecast for 1:00. Maybe we can make it...

8:30 a.m.
The hour-by-hour report says 2:00 now! Things are looking up.

9:30 a.m.
Torrential rains begin. To make things worse, my car appears to be leaking oil, and I have to go to the Toyota dealership before I drive anywhere else.

10:30 a.m.
I'm at the dealership now, and it will be an hour before my car is ready! So now I'm the person sitting in the showroom with two orange life jackets while I wait for my teammate Stephanie K. to pick me up. I was embarrassed to bring the four paddles in, so I left them leaning against the building outside, in the rain. They do have a Starbucks in the waiting room, and they offer me a free coffee while I wait, which is nice since I'm already wet and cold.

10:35 a.m.
Thunder and lightning commence. The race is still officially on, though.

11:00 a.m.
Stephanie calls to say she's just down the street. At the same time, the service rep tells me the car's ready. I pick up the paddles from their hiding place and put them and the life jackets back in my car, having gotten them out for nothing.

11:15 a.m.
Just as I'm pulling up to Old Settler's Park, teammate Megan calls me. Race is finally called off. I drive by just in time to see our clownfish boat's bent, soggy tail hanging out of teammate Stephanie I.'s vehicle. In the event of a rescheduled race, amputation will be necessary.

12:00 p.m.
Enchiladas and margaritas with team. Happy ending after all!

Round Rock Boat Regatta

2009-05-15T23:15:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow's the big day! Or supposed to be--right now the forecast is thunderstorms starting at noon, which happens to be exactly when the race is. My team and I, known this year as the Insane Clownfish Posse™, have held a much milder interest this year, it's true, but at this point, we built the stupid boat and now we want to compete with it. So we'll be pretty upset if it's all for naught.

Our Baby's Growing Up Too Fast

2009-04-29T05:44:00.007-05:00

Remember when the Bush presidency was entering its final throes, and every morning you eagerly jumped out of bed, Pee Wee Herman-style, and crossed off the day on the calendar, counting down? Ok, well I know I do.

Now, instead of repeatedly hounding those around us with, "Is it over yet?", it's more along the tearful lines of, "Doesn't it seem like just yesterday that he was throwin' 'bows with Hillary Clinton in the primaries? Now he's 100 days old! Before we know it, he'll be all grown up and leaving at the end of his second term!"

Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter celebrated the 100-day mark by becoming a Democrat, presumably to save himself in the next election, but nevertheless, welcome! I celebrated by spraying my dogs blue with Halloween hair paint. Again.

*The above picture was "borrowed" from slate.com.

Thank You, Rick Perry, That Will Be Plenty

2009-04-27T03:43:00.006-05:00

Realizing that I'm about two weeks behind on this story (this ain't The Statesman, ok?), I'd like to take this opportunity to remind Rick Perry (he reads this, you know) that we have plenty of infamous Texans who have embarrassed us, and we don't need our fearless leader to do the same. Texas is already the home of diapered astronaut Lisa Nowak, Jessica Simpson, face-carving liar Ashley Todd, and of course, George W. Bush (sort of). Must our governor humilitate us as well? Kay Bailey Hutchison, you're looking pretty good right now.

No, Governor Perry, we cannot secede from the union, for a number of reasons--the least of which is not that it was not actually part of our agreement when joining the United States. Nice of our governor to know that. (I've written about some of these types before, here and here.)

I could go on, but instead I'll point you to the best op-ed I've read in a long time, by Gail Collins of the New York Times. (Oh, just sign up and read it already, it's free.)

The Agony and the Ecstasy

2009-04-08T16:40:00.006-05:00

The highlight of my day was a visit from my friendly Time Warner installer, who set up my new Roadrunner service. He even was kind enough to set up my wireless router for me, for which I gave him ten dollars. Afterward, I was sorry I hadn't given him much, much more, as I realized that trying to set it up myself would have probably ended in tears, and even more likely, the one-night draining of a box of Franzia white wine.

You see, without any prior warning, the previously free-flowing well that was my wireless connection just suddenly ran dry on Saturday night. I had a good mind to go and bang down the neighbor's door (whose signal I shamefully admit I've been "borrowing" for over a year now)--you know, to demand satisfaction--but it occurred to me that I didn't actually know which neighbor to speak to, and that could make for an awkward confrontation if I got the wrong house. This helplessness led to the immediate development of a nervous tic which caused me to repeatedly check the network availability, in case it "decided to start working again".

I had made it nearly 48 hours before the sheer inconvenience of having to use the Internet only at work or Dunkin' Donuts (which I visited twice during this dismal, lengthy period) before it simply became TOO MUCH TO BEAR. Then I broke down, ratcheted my honesty and character up a notch while I was at it, and ordered my very own internet subscription.

When I thought about the fact that I could not even make it two days without a round-the-clock availability of any email, news, music, video, or whatever else that I wanted, I thought it might be time to reevaluate my life.

But instead, I just got on the Internet and read The Onion for seven hours straight. Ha.

I'm Going To Be An Aunt!

2009-03-31T23:15:00.004-05:00

Amy and Cody are expecting their first baby in November. Here's the first ultrasound picture of little Mason or Kendall.

(I had a dream last night that it was a boy, so I'll call him Mason until further notice.)

Fair Enough

2009-03-31T21:45:00.003-05:00

Ria Ramikissoon stands accused of first degree murder in the death of her young son, whom she and fellow cult members starved to death after their leader declared him a demon when he would not say "amen" at mealtime prayers. The leader, known as Queen Antoinette, and some other members of the group, One Mind Ministries, also stand accused. (Here's the link, but needless to say, it's one horrible story.)

Ramikissoon's mother notified police that her grandson was missing when she visited New York City in 2008, looking for her wayward daughter. Ramikissoon will likely receive a 20-year sentence in August--not enough, I know, though I feel that Queen Antoinette should be handed a far stiffer penalty.

But lest we should all be mistaken, the court has humored the young mother with one unusual clause: if her son is, indeed, resurrected from the dead, all charges will be dropped.

Fair enough. Meanwhile, enjoy your stay prison, and next time, try to think for yourself.

It's Too Bad, Because I Think He Really Would Have Loved Milk

2009-03-30T20:28:00.003-05:00

"He's a great actor, and if you hire him, you'll get a good performance. I'm just not going to give a guy who gives aid and comfort to people like (Iran president Mahmoud) Ahmadinejad, Hugo Chavez and Saddam Hussein, when he was alive, my 10 bucks. That's my right as an American."

-Bill O'Reilly on Sean Penn, whose movies he refuses to see

Speed Breeding

2009-03-26T20:52:00.003-05:00

A few mornings ago, on my way to work, I listened to this NPR story about the Quiverfull movement, a conservative Christian sect that encourages couples to really overdo it (get it?) on the baby-makin'.

The Swanson family, of Shelby, Michigan, has seven children and eagerly await more in the future, despite the fact that the Swansons originally didn't want to have children at all. The average family at their church has 8.5 kids, which I guess means they ain't quite fittin' in. They say they often receive comments from strangers, including inquiries as to whether or not they know what causes pregnancy, to which they reply, "Of course we know what causes it--we practice all the time."

Quiverfull followers see the womb as a weapon, and hyper-reproduction as their way of building up an army for God. Author Kathryn Joyce says that followers hope this will one day enable them to "take over both halls of Congress... reclaim sinful cities like San Francisco for the faithful, and ... wage very effective massive boycotts against companies that are going against God's will."

Whatever makes you happy, I guess.

Ho Fo Sho (But Kid Toucher, No)

2009-03-26T20:06:00.006-05:00

Jersey girls ain't trash--trash gets picked up.
-Urban Outfitters t-shirt, circa 2004

A 14-year-old girl from New Jersey who posted over thirty nudie pictures of herself on her Myspace page to impress her boyfriend is facing child pornography distribution charges. This incident poses a few burning questions.

First, at the rate she's going, are charges really necessary? This young lady will clearly be her own worst enemy well into adulthood, and she doesn't need help from a criminal record, which in this case would require her to register as a sex offender. Give her a year or two, and she'll find some way to screw up her life irrevocably anyway, probably with much more lasting consequences than these photos. (For one, the questions won't be the only thing burning, if you know what I mean.)

Additionally, I wonder, is it really distributing child porn if you're the model, photographer, and distributor? It's true that she is a minor, and clearly too young and immature to make a good decision for herself, but... what she did will not hurt anyone nearly as much as she has hurt herself.

Morning Person

2009-03-22T01:20:00.003-05:00

My week of relaxation is over. Starting Monday morning, this is what you'll see if you look through my windows:

I pity the fool who doesn't still get a spring break well into their adulthood.

Green, Cheap, & Clean

2009-03-15T22:52:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite bloggers over at Foodie for Thought, who has an arsenal of food recipes and also interesting ideas for a variety of other household things, published this recipe for homemade laundry detergent. I tried it and liked it, then decided to strengthen it by adding less water, so that a bucket full would last me even longer.

As she says, "It may sound complicated, but I cannot stress enough how simple this to make! After preparing this recipe successfully twice, I'm totally hooked. It's insanely cheap (something like under $.02 per load), 100% natural for the body, 100% safe for the environment, plus it actually does get my family's clothes clean. What more could a girl want?!"

So... get yourself a bucket with a lid, and try this out!

You will need:

8 cups water
1 bar Ivory Soap, grated
1 1/3 cups washing powder (look for Arm & Hammer, bright yellow box)
1 1/3 cups Borax
10 cups hot water

1. Grate the soap into a pot containing the first 8 cups of water and heat over low until dissolved. Add the Borax and washing powder, and stir it until it thickens. Remove from heat.

2. Pour the 10 cups of hot water into the bucket, then add the soap mixture and stir until smooth. Let it sit for 24 hours to thicken.

*You might want to save an old detergent bottle to refill it with your new soap, so that you only have to open the bucket once in a while. Use 1/2 cup or so for each load.

*The first time I made this, it turned out lumpy looking, but still worked well. It was smoother the second time (when I used this recipe).